Split

The pain. Can it pain so much?

The pain of having you but not holding you. The pain of not being able to talk to you. To not touch you. To not feel your breath on my face. To know you but not hear you.

As it sears through my heart and pierces my being, I take a pause. A moment to feel that pain digging its claws deep into my self. I watch it as it digs up more pain. Extremes I never knew existed.

Then it strikes me. The pain is not about being away from you. Because I am not. Through the walls of silence, I can hear you speak. You proclaim your love for me every minute. I can feel your arms around me. I can feel our hearts beat together. It is the physical separation that remains.

And in me, it is the split between my soul and my physical being that is so painful.

Why can’t my senses be filled with your smell that my heart can feel? Why can’t I be satiated with your kisses on my face that I can visualise to the littlest detail?

Maybe, If I quieten my need for physical validation that is so wired into every human being, I can start hearing your heart more clearly. Then the words can fill more than my ears. The touch will penetrate my soul. The smile will melt my heart. Your hugs will be truly forever.

Until then, there will be moments you will find me weeping. The emptiness will haunt me until it turns into the all consuming stillness. Your silence will torment me, until the me that wants you as words and touches can melt away, bringing us to a place where words are not needed.

Until then.

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